There it is. Staring at me from across the table behind a mound of un-filed paperwork. Mommy guilt. It goes with me wherever I go, sometimes a silent bystander, other times shouting in my ear loud enough for everyone to hear, I'm certain. I hear it from under the pile of dirty laundry, from the dog hair floating on the floor, and even from a one-word phrase my child signs to me for the better part of a morning (more on that later).
I look around and it seems as though every other mom has it together. "Wow-her floor is ALWAYS clean when I come over." "Gee, does she EVER have a bad hair day?" "When does she find time to cook a 5 course meal for supper every night?" While these thoughts cross my mind as I see others, I need to remember the reality: motherhood is a balancing act, and balancing doesn't mean everything is always in perfect order.
I heard an analogy once that really stuck with me. Consider all the different hats you wear: mother, wife, employer, employee, friend, house-cleaner, chauffeur, cook, etc. (I won't list them all, because that would take up the entire blog! :)) Now think of each of these roles as being a bucket in your life. The amount of time/effort put into any certain role in a season of life can be thought of as the amount of water in that particular bucket. Many of us wrongly assume (myself included!) that in order to have a "balanced" life, we must have equal amounts of water in each bucket, and that all of the buckets should be nearly full at all times. After all, isn't that what godly women do? Give their all to everything they do? Although this looks good on paper, in real life, if I try to fill every bucket all the time, I am going to be frazzled, worn-out and stressed. This is not true balance.
Now consider instead a different scenario. In any given season in your life, some buckets will be almost completely full, others about half-full, and some may remain almost empty for a time. For example, right now in my life, my clean house bucket is half-full on a good day, empty on some. I can look at my house in disarray and lament about how unclean it is, or I can recognize that yes, my house is not spic and span, but man, my kids are sure having fun building that fort. My mothering bucket is nearly full right now. I am putting a lot of time and energy into raising my children. This is incredibly freeing. I can look at my house and not feel shame, because I know that I am ONE person, and I have a finite amount of time and energy to expend (a certain amount of water to fill the total of all the buckets). What do I want to spend it on? Keeping the house clean or taking care of my babies? Babies. Hands down.
I can't do it all. I just can't. And neither can you, nor can any other woman on the planet, without being a frazzled mess, emotionally and spiritually. Some buckets can be empty for a day, a week, or even a season. I'll get back to them someday. When my children are grown and raising families of their own, my mothering bucket will be a little less full, and I may get to fill up my clean house bucket a bit more (or maybe not, as some older, wiser women tell me! haha!). But either way, it's going to be OK. There is an ebb and flow to life, and it's best to go with it, instead of fighting the current and wearing yourself out needlessly.
So, back to the mommy guilt. The other day I took Isaac to the aquatic center to check it out, since he started swimming lessons there today and it was our first time going to this facility for lessons. I didn't want to show up and not know where to go. We went there and Isaac was super excited. Ella was pretty excited too, and signed the word "swim" several times. We went to my mom's for lunch and the whole time we were there Ella kept signing "swim". It brought me to tears. Why, you ask? Well, this year, my summer schedule has changed because of changing jobs, and I'm not able to do the "mommy and me" swim classes with Ella like I did last year. So here is Ella, signing swim over and over, and all I can think is: "Oh, my sweet baby. I'm so sorry I won't be able to take you to swimming this year. You're going to miss out, and it's all my fault! You're not going to have an experience that will put you in a typical class with typical kids, and you're going to lag behind developmentally, and then you won't have a chance to practice social skills, and eventually you'll not make it in the world as an adult, all because I didn't do swimming lessons this year!" You can see the downward spiral here. :) Irrational, but still there nonetheless. I had to dismiss those lies and remember the truth: yes, my schedule did change this year. My "summer fun" bucket is probably not as full, because I am not off of work all summer long. But you know what? The trade off is that my "school year" bucket of time with my kiddos is more full than ever! Because every day, I am the one who gets to stay at home with my kiddos (and 7 others haha!) and play with them, work with them on social skills, and watch them grow. This year I got to teach Isaac how to read, which may not have happened if I had been working out of the home. This year, I got to put Ella down for her nap and see her sweet face when she woke up EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This definitely wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been at home during the day.
The mommy guilt is always there to some degree. But it is my choice. Am I going to indulge it or accept the fact that not all of my buckets are full and that' OK? I am a better, more joyful person for my husband, my children, and even for myself when I know which buckets to fill, and which ones to let sit for this season. Right now as I write, the dishes are undone, and all of the morning toys are still out (even though it's a rule to pick up before naptime-GASP!). This moment is as it is. I will choose to embrace the reality of motherhood, and even life in general. I'm going to leave with some of my favorite quotes about motherhood. I hope that you can be encouraged to look at all of your "buckets" today, and have the freedom to choose which ones to fill, and which ones to let go of until another season.
"I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land."
"I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real."
"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til' tomorrow.
For children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"
