Embrace it

There it is.  Staring at me from across the table behind a mound of un-filed paperwork.  Mommy guilt.  It goes with me wherever I go, sometimes a silent bystander, other times shouting in my ear loud enough for everyone to hear, I'm certain.  I hear it from under the pile of dirty laundry, from the dog hair floating on the floor, and even from a one-word phrase my child signs to me for the better part of a morning (more on that later).

I look around and it seems as though every other mom has it together.  "Wow-her floor is ALWAYS clean when I come over."  "Gee, does she EVER have a bad hair day?"  "When does she find time to cook a 5 course meal for supper every night?"  While these thoughts cross my mind as I see others, I need to remember the reality:  motherhood is a balancing act, and balancing doesn't mean everything is always in perfect order.  

I heard an analogy once that really stuck with me.  Consider all the different hats you wear:  mother, wife, employer, employee, friend, house-cleaner, chauffeur, cook, etc. (I won't list them all, because that would take up the entire blog! :))  Now think of each of these roles as being a bucket in your life.  The amount of time/effort put into any certain role in a season of life can be thought of as the amount of water in that particular bucket.  Many of us wrongly assume (myself included!) that in order to have a "balanced" life, we must have equal amounts of water in each bucket, and that all of the buckets should be nearly full at all times.  After all, isn't that what godly women do?  Give their all to everything they do?  Although this looks good on paper, in real life, if I try to fill every bucket all the time, I am going to be frazzled, worn-out and stressed.  This is not true balance.  

Now consider instead a different scenario.  In any given season in your life, some buckets will be almost completely full, others about half-full, and some may remain almost empty for a time.  For example, right now in my life, my clean house bucket is half-full on a good day, empty on some.  I can look at my house in disarray and lament about how unclean it is, or I can recognize that yes, my house is not spic and span, but man, my kids are sure having fun building that fort.  My mothering bucket is nearly full right now.  I am putting a lot of time and energy into raising my children.  This is incredibly freeing.  I can look at my house and not feel shame, because I know that I am ONE person, and I have a finite amount of time and energy to expend (a certain amount of water to fill the total of all the buckets).  What do I want to spend it on?  Keeping the house clean or taking care of my babies?  Babies.  Hands down.  

I can't do it all.  I just can't.  And neither can you, nor can any other woman on the planet, without being a frazzled mess, emotionally and spiritually.  Some buckets can be empty for a day, a week, or even a season.  I'll get back to them someday. When my children are grown and raising families of their own, my mothering bucket will be a little less full, and I may get to fill up my clean house bucket a bit more (or maybe not, as some older, wiser women tell me! haha!).  But either way, it's going to be OK.  There is an ebb and flow to life, and it's best to go with it, instead of fighting the current and wearing yourself out needlessly.

So, back to the mommy guilt.  The other day I took Isaac to the aquatic center to check it out, since he started swimming lessons there today and it was our first time going to this facility for lessons.  I didn't want to show up and not know where to go.  We went there and Isaac was super excited.  Ella was pretty excited too, and signed the word "swim" several times.  We went to my mom's for lunch and the whole time we were there Ella kept signing "swim".  It brought me to tears.  Why, you ask?  Well, this year, my summer schedule has changed because of changing jobs, and I'm not able to do the "mommy and me" swim classes with Ella like I did last year.  So here is Ella, signing swim over and over, and all I can think is:  "Oh, my sweet baby.  I'm so sorry I won't be able to take you to swimming this year.  You're going to miss out, and it's all my fault!  You're not going to have an experience that will put you in a typical class with typical kids, and you're going to lag behind developmentally, and then you won't have a chance to practice social skills, and eventually you'll not make it in the world as an adult, all because I didn't do swimming lessons this year!"  You can see the downward spiral here.  :)  Irrational, but still there nonetheless.  I had to dismiss those lies and remember the truth:  yes, my schedule did change this year.  My "summer fun" bucket is probably not as full, because I am not off of work all summer long.  But you know what?  The trade off is that my "school year" bucket of time with my kiddos is more full than ever!  Because every day, I am the one who gets to stay at home with my kiddos (and 7 others haha!) and play with them, work with them on social skills, and watch them grow.  This year I got to teach Isaac how to read, which may not have happened if I had been working out of the home.  This year, I got to put Ella down for her nap and see her sweet face when she woke up EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  This definitely wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been at home during the day.  

The mommy guilt is always there to some degree.  But it is my choice.  Am I going to indulge it or accept the fact that not all of my buckets are full and that' OK?  I am a better, more joyful person for my husband, my children, and even for myself when I know which buckets to fill, and which ones to let sit for this season.  Right now as I write, the dishes are undone, and all of the morning toys are still out (even though it's a rule to pick up before naptime-GASP!).  This moment is as it is.  I will choose to embrace the reality of motherhood, and even life in general.  I'm going to leave with some of my favorite quotes about motherhood.  I hope that you can be encouraged to look at all of your "buckets" today, and have the freedom to choose which ones to fill, and which ones to let go of until another season.  

"I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land."

"I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real."

"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til' tomorrow.
For children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"

Life Lessons

Today is World Down Syndrome Day.  On the 21st day of the 3rd month, we set aside a day to celebrate people who have 3 copies of the 21st chromosome, also known as Down Syndrome.

We just celebrated Ella's 2nd birthday in December, which means we've been living a life full of new richness and meaning for just over 2 years.   Along the way, I feel like God has taught us some important life lesssons.  Today is a good day to reflect on some of the lessons we've learned (or stumbled over, or barely crawled our way through...).

Control is overrated.

Sometimes being in control is a good thing.  Like when you're driving on icy roads in the middle of winter.  Sometimes being in control is actually an illusion we maintain in an effort to keep order in our minds.  There are things in life that are out of my control, out of your control.  When this happens in my own life, I tend to get concerned (or freaked out, whichever term you prefer...).  Having a daughter who from the start has challenged my illusion of control and my desire to plan every detail to the tee has taught me to let go.  Let go of the little things, like whether or not that towel is folded just right because my son did it all by himself, or the fact that my daughter may not do all the things exactly the way I thought she would in my vision of her before she was born.  Yup, control is not all it's cracked up to be.  Let go.

It's always a good time for a hug.

There's something about getting hugged at every turn, whether you see it coming or not.  Ella has this special way of just hugging me around my neck with the sweetest squeeze.  And since we say "oooh-aaah" when we hug her, she almost always does her own version of this when she gives hugs, which translates basically into, "uuuuhhh" when she gives the squeeze.  She also seems to have a knack for giving people hugs at just the right time.   I don't always see it coming, but Ella has a special radar for "hug need".  At certain times, she will give a hug unrequested, as if she just "knew" that this person could use a good squeeze.  She has never once been refused.  I'd say those are pretty good stats.  Take time for hugs-you can never have too many!

You never know someone's full story-don't judge.

How many times have I looked at someone without even knowing their name and thought things...not always nice  things?  Things about the way they are dressed, the way they talk, or the way they are parenting their children at that moment.  Having been on the other side of this judgemental stare several times myself in the last couple of years, I have learned to restrain myself.  I specifically remember one time while using my WIC check, the cashier just had some serious disdain for me, as if I was living off the government without making an ounce of effort to provide for my family in any way.  I wanted to scream out in rage, "Hey, listen lady, the only reason I'm getting these checks is because my daughter is in Early Intervention, and yes, my husband and I are both working hard for our family, thank you very much."  I held my tongue, but barely.  Now, when I see someone whose life story I might have a tendency to make certain in my mind without even knowing them, I take a moment, pause, and remind myself that I don't know that person, and choose to think the best of that person.  I don't know their life story, just like they don't know mine.

Stop and smell the roses.  Seriously.

 I think that I am in good company when I say that this life can leave me frazzled and worn out from the moment I even open my eyes in the morning.  The frantic pace at which life comes at me sometimes causes me to just stand there, dizzy from the whirlwind.   There, but for the grace of God, I would be EVERY DAY.  Through Ella, God has taught our family to slow down.  Whether because of her extra chromosome or just her personality, Ella enjoys every second of this life.  She is a reminder that faster is not always better, and being first does not always mean you will have enjoyed the ride.  Sure, she is slower at meeting some milestones.  Sure, she has to work harder to communicate than her peers.  But, you know what else is sure?  She has a sparkle in her eye, the one that says, "I've worked so hard for this, and it's finally here!"  Or the other one that says, "Catch me if you can!"  Ella grabs life by the horns and takes full advantage of each moment.  Stop.  This moment is as it is.  Enjoy the beauty in this second, don't rush too quickly to the next.

While there are certainly many more things our precious Ella and other people in this world of Down Syndrome (those with Down Syndrome and those who who love them) have taught us, these are some of the biggies.  May you be able to glean something from these lesson as well.  HAPPY WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY!!!

One Word

Well... have not posted for about a month and a half.  If I were using this as a calculation of my success, I would be quite depressed. :)  But luckily, I went into this knowing that life is sometimes chaotic and even though it would be my ideal to blog at least once a week, we're just not there...yet.  Remember when I promised that this wouldn't be a blog about fun projects and crafts to do in your spare time because there is no spare time?  ...exactly.

Another thing that has kept me off the blog was my uncertainty.  I've been quite sure that I needed to share Ella's birth story; and the craziness that followed.  But now that it's written down, hopefully with most of the details in-tact, where do we go from here?  What is it that will characterize this blog?  Although I am altogether enthralled with every single move Ella makes, it may not be quite as exciting for you to read about how she looked at me so cutely, did the sign for puppy at least 50 times (obsessed with puppies? Yes), and smiled a bunch today.  I really desire for this blog to be a reflection of our life as a whole, and saying that, I would be remiss if I didn't include our journey of faith, and how we are striving everyday to walk closer to God and His heart that beats for every single person in this world.  But on the other hand, this is not a blog about how everything is always awesome and nothing ever goes wrong and because I am a Christian I can eat dog doo with a smile on my face.  I don't want this blog to be a collection of inspirational quotes or "profound" thoughts or cheesy positive sayings.  Not there's anything wrong with being an optimist, but let's be honest.  This life is not for the faint of heart, and putting on a false positive face and always appearing as though one has it together is definitely not the reality for any authentic Christian I know.  There it is.  That word.  Authentic.  That's what rings true to me.  I long for what flows out of my heart and onto the page to be authentic.  That somehow, what God is teaching me (sometimes by having to knock me over my stubborn head with it), and what He is doing in and through me would cause even just one person to be drawn to Him and His goodness.  

So... I tread lightly, but here it is.  This is what God is doing in my heart right now.  I just have one word:  contentment.  There's this thing in our hearts, this thought, this ache, that tells us a lie.  I call it (well, somebody somewhere called it this and I stole it), the "If....then" lie.  "If I just got a new job, then I would be happy."  "If we only had a bigger house, then we would be able to entertain more and be more hospitable."  "If we just made a little bit more money, then we would be able to make ends meet."  "If I could lose 5 more pounds, then I would be happy with my body." "If I just finish school, then I will be able to take time for my family again."  There are endless possibilities to this phrase.  I'm sure we could all fill in the blank with a few personalized ones, no doubt.  There is a seemingly endless barrage of conditions on which we place our health, happiness and security.  But here's the reality.  There will always be a certain degree of imperfection, brokenness and dissatisfaction with this life.  No matter how big the house, no matter how beach-worthy the body, no matter how much money earned, there's still a desire for more.  Because there will always be someone, somewhere, who looks even better than you do, drives a nicer car than you do, has a bigger or more beautiful house than you do, or makes more money than you do.  And it's our natural tendency to compare. To compare not just with others, but to compare what we now have (or don't have) with what we ourselves once had, even if no one else is in the picture.  So, what do we do with this ugly beast called comparison?  Well...I'm learning....

Those of you who have known me for a while know that since my son Isaac was born 4 1/2 years ago, all I could think of was how I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  I cried myself through my first year back at school teaching, and felt guilty every moment I was away.  Aaron and I talked over it a million different ways, but because I was the primary income earner in the household, I couldn't quit my job and just be home.  Sob.  Seriously.....lots of sobs.  Insert "If....then" phrase here.  "If I could just stay home with Isaac, I would be totally happy and content."  But with that not being possible, I trudged along, still enjoying some aspects of teaching, but praying and crying out to God about this desire.  What the heck God?  I don't need to stay home with my kid when he's 10 and in school, I need to do it now, when he's young.  What am I supposed to do with this desire?  Seriously God!  A couple of years passed this way, and we expanded our family and added another babe into the mix.  Now my desire to stay home became ferociously strong.  I could barely contain it.  But I still felt trapped and very tied into my job.  Especially since Ella had a heart condition and my job, not Aaron's, provided our health insurance plan-and a good one at that.  

Finally, one night while we were out to supper on date night, Aaron and I decided we had to start considering other options.  I could either stay in my current job and dislike the politics, the assessment culture that was replacing fun in early childhood learning, and my time away from my kids, or I could do something else.  I could either complain about how I hated it and let it stay the same, or...we could be courageous and go out on a limb and do something else.  That's when the wheels started turning in my brain-and they didn't stop turning for many months.  Through lots of prayer, discussion and fear (not gonna lie here-I usually steer this ship away from any unnecessary change and head directly in the OPPOSITE direction), we decided I would start an in-home preschool.  I would still get to teach the little ones (in the way that I wanted...with FUN! and no politics), I would get to be home with my own kids, and they would still get the socialization they needed to grow into contributing members of society.  :)  Win-win.  Yes.

So, with that, I handed in my letter of resignation at school (it was scary making it final), we frantically finished our 3rd level of our home in under 4 months, doing almost all of the work ourselves (ACCCKKK!  I still feel pressure just thinking about it!), and I prayed hard and worked hard at marketing and filling my 7 open spots that we now needed to provided an income for our family.  So, come August, my "If...then" statement was fulfilled.  Well, almost; we had 2 open spots until November-so let's say November.  November 1st my "If...then" was finished.  I was home.  I was with my kids.  Instant happiness.  Wake up every morning thrilled to be alive and bubbling over with joy to be walking in this new adventure.....not entirely true.

Come mid-December I was having this restless feeling.  God, what did I do?  Why did I give up my summers off?  Why did I say I was OK with working 10 hour days with no breaks?  I'm nearly killing myself cooking and cleaning here God.  I'm having to start over with curriculum and feel like a first year teacher again.  Crap!  What's my problem?  I couldn't figure it out.  This is what I always wanted.  This has been the longing of my heart for 4 solid years.  Why am I not ecstatic about this Lord?  It was that little lie, "If this, then you'll be happy."  There will be no more problems.  Your heart will be light and everything will go smoothly.   There will be no cons to this new situation.  It will be PURE bliss.  You see, even though I had written down all the pros and cons and considered and prayed over them what seems like 8 million times, I was still somehow letting those cons creep in on my happiness and joy.  I knew they were there, but from a distance they seemed much smaller than they now looked, looming over my heart and mind.  I wrestled with myself, and God for quite a while on this before I told anyone, even Aaron.  I just felt so incredibly guilty for even entertaining the thoughts I was having, and yet they were so real and overwhelming I couldn't just push them aside and ignore them.  I was comparing.  Comparing the then to now.  Comparing what I had so desperately wanted out of to what I now had as if the former was some beautiful oasis, even though I knew that to be untrue.

Christmas break arrived, and after having some time to regroup, I feel like God put things into perspective again for me.  Yes, this is the thing you've always wanted.  You're right; this IS the desire of your heart.  This is exactly where you're supposed to be.  But the problem is not in your circumstances.  The problem is your perspective.  You were never meant to find complete meaning in this world.  There will always be things that are hard about any situation, no matter how amazing it is.  I had bought into the lie that a change in my circumstances would somehow change my heart.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Making a life change can definitely bring refreshment and much-needed newness to a situation.  But I had let this thought sneak up on me that if only I were at home, there would be no problems and all my longings for something else would vanish.  What God did for me was bring a fresh perspective.  Yes, it is good to be home with my children.  And I DO love teaching preschool.  I have a great group of kids, and amazing families to work with.  I can think of at least two things that I am thankful for about each child in my care right off the top of my head without even trying.  I get to be the one to put my baby down for a nap every day and play peek-a-boo with her until she giggles uncontrollably, not someone else.  

My circumstances haven't changed since mid-December.  My perspective has.  The Lord is really teaching me not to live in the "If ...then" lie.  No matter what situation I am in, I have two choices.  I can look to and fro, seeing someone else who "has it better" or something that will make me "happy", or I can be content.  Right here.  Right now.  It is a choice.  Not a set of circumstances that make it so.  So today, and in this season, I choose contentment.  I choose to see the details of my life that have been set in place so perfectly by my Creator that allow true joy and peace-the kind that come from knowing His ever-present love and grace; not the fleeting momentary happiness found in a desired set of circumstances or things.  Today my friend, throw off the "If...then" lie.  Live today.  Right where you are.  Right here.  Right now.  It's OK.  There are struggles, and every experience on this earth is flavored with a speck of brokenness, because our world is broken.  But know that He is with you.  And His love can make all things new, even in the same set of circumstances.  Yes, even your heart.