One Word

Well... have not posted for about a month and a half.  If I were using this as a calculation of my success, I would be quite depressed. :)  But luckily, I went into this knowing that life is sometimes chaotic and even though it would be my ideal to blog at least once a week, we're just not there...yet.  Remember when I promised that this wouldn't be a blog about fun projects and crafts to do in your spare time because there is no spare time?  ...exactly.

Another thing that has kept me off the blog was my uncertainty.  I've been quite sure that I needed to share Ella's birth story; and the craziness that followed.  But now that it's written down, hopefully with most of the details in-tact, where do we go from here?  What is it that will characterize this blog?  Although I am altogether enthralled with every single move Ella makes, it may not be quite as exciting for you to read about how she looked at me so cutely, did the sign for puppy at least 50 times (obsessed with puppies? Yes), and smiled a bunch today.  I really desire for this blog to be a reflection of our life as a whole, and saying that, I would be remiss if I didn't include our journey of faith, and how we are striving everyday to walk closer to God and His heart that beats for every single person in this world.  But on the other hand, this is not a blog about how everything is always awesome and nothing ever goes wrong and because I am a Christian I can eat dog doo with a smile on my face.  I don't want this blog to be a collection of inspirational quotes or "profound" thoughts or cheesy positive sayings.  Not there's anything wrong with being an optimist, but let's be honest.  This life is not for the faint of heart, and putting on a false positive face and always appearing as though one has it together is definitely not the reality for any authentic Christian I know.  There it is.  That word.  Authentic.  That's what rings true to me.  I long for what flows out of my heart and onto the page to be authentic.  That somehow, what God is teaching me (sometimes by having to knock me over my stubborn head with it), and what He is doing in and through me would cause even just one person to be drawn to Him and His goodness.  

So... I tread lightly, but here it is.  This is what God is doing in my heart right now.  I just have one word:  contentment.  There's this thing in our hearts, this thought, this ache, that tells us a lie.  I call it (well, somebody somewhere called it this and I stole it), the "If....then" lie.  "If I just got a new job, then I would be happy."  "If we only had a bigger house, then we would be able to entertain more and be more hospitable."  "If we just made a little bit more money, then we would be able to make ends meet."  "If I could lose 5 more pounds, then I would be happy with my body." "If I just finish school, then I will be able to take time for my family again."  There are endless possibilities to this phrase.  I'm sure we could all fill in the blank with a few personalized ones, no doubt.  There is a seemingly endless barrage of conditions on which we place our health, happiness and security.  But here's the reality.  There will always be a certain degree of imperfection, brokenness and dissatisfaction with this life.  No matter how big the house, no matter how beach-worthy the body, no matter how much money earned, there's still a desire for more.  Because there will always be someone, somewhere, who looks even better than you do, drives a nicer car than you do, has a bigger or more beautiful house than you do, or makes more money than you do.  And it's our natural tendency to compare. To compare not just with others, but to compare what we now have (or don't have) with what we ourselves once had, even if no one else is in the picture.  So, what do we do with this ugly beast called comparison?  Well...I'm learning....

Those of you who have known me for a while know that since my son Isaac was born 4 1/2 years ago, all I could think of was how I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  I cried myself through my first year back at school teaching, and felt guilty every moment I was away.  Aaron and I talked over it a million different ways, but because I was the primary income earner in the household, I couldn't quit my job and just be home.  Sob.  Seriously.....lots of sobs.  Insert "If....then" phrase here.  "If I could just stay home with Isaac, I would be totally happy and content."  But with that not being possible, I trudged along, still enjoying some aspects of teaching, but praying and crying out to God about this desire.  What the heck God?  I don't need to stay home with my kid when he's 10 and in school, I need to do it now, when he's young.  What am I supposed to do with this desire?  Seriously God!  A couple of years passed this way, and we expanded our family and added another babe into the mix.  Now my desire to stay home became ferociously strong.  I could barely contain it.  But I still felt trapped and very tied into my job.  Especially since Ella had a heart condition and my job, not Aaron's, provided our health insurance plan-and a good one at that.  

Finally, one night while we were out to supper on date night, Aaron and I decided we had to start considering other options.  I could either stay in my current job and dislike the politics, the assessment culture that was replacing fun in early childhood learning, and my time away from my kids, or I could do something else.  I could either complain about how I hated it and let it stay the same, or...we could be courageous and go out on a limb and do something else.  That's when the wheels started turning in my brain-and they didn't stop turning for many months.  Through lots of prayer, discussion and fear (not gonna lie here-I usually steer this ship away from any unnecessary change and head directly in the OPPOSITE direction), we decided I would start an in-home preschool.  I would still get to teach the little ones (in the way that I wanted...with FUN! and no politics), I would get to be home with my own kids, and they would still get the socialization they needed to grow into contributing members of society.  :)  Win-win.  Yes.

So, with that, I handed in my letter of resignation at school (it was scary making it final), we frantically finished our 3rd level of our home in under 4 months, doing almost all of the work ourselves (ACCCKKK!  I still feel pressure just thinking about it!), and I prayed hard and worked hard at marketing and filling my 7 open spots that we now needed to provided an income for our family.  So, come August, my "If...then" statement was fulfilled.  Well, almost; we had 2 open spots until November-so let's say November.  November 1st my "If...then" was finished.  I was home.  I was with my kids.  Instant happiness.  Wake up every morning thrilled to be alive and bubbling over with joy to be walking in this new adventure.....not entirely true.

Come mid-December I was having this restless feeling.  God, what did I do?  Why did I give up my summers off?  Why did I say I was OK with working 10 hour days with no breaks?  I'm nearly killing myself cooking and cleaning here God.  I'm having to start over with curriculum and feel like a first year teacher again.  Crap!  What's my problem?  I couldn't figure it out.  This is what I always wanted.  This has been the longing of my heart for 4 solid years.  Why am I not ecstatic about this Lord?  It was that little lie, "If this, then you'll be happy."  There will be no more problems.  Your heart will be light and everything will go smoothly.   There will be no cons to this new situation.  It will be PURE bliss.  You see, even though I had written down all the pros and cons and considered and prayed over them what seems like 8 million times, I was still somehow letting those cons creep in on my happiness and joy.  I knew they were there, but from a distance they seemed much smaller than they now looked, looming over my heart and mind.  I wrestled with myself, and God for quite a while on this before I told anyone, even Aaron.  I just felt so incredibly guilty for even entertaining the thoughts I was having, and yet they were so real and overwhelming I couldn't just push them aside and ignore them.  I was comparing.  Comparing the then to now.  Comparing what I had so desperately wanted out of to what I now had as if the former was some beautiful oasis, even though I knew that to be untrue.

Christmas break arrived, and after having some time to regroup, I feel like God put things into perspective again for me.  Yes, this is the thing you've always wanted.  You're right; this IS the desire of your heart.  This is exactly where you're supposed to be.  But the problem is not in your circumstances.  The problem is your perspective.  You were never meant to find complete meaning in this world.  There will always be things that are hard about any situation, no matter how amazing it is.  I had bought into the lie that a change in my circumstances would somehow change my heart.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Making a life change can definitely bring refreshment and much-needed newness to a situation.  But I had let this thought sneak up on me that if only I were at home, there would be no problems and all my longings for something else would vanish.  What God did for me was bring a fresh perspective.  Yes, it is good to be home with my children.  And I DO love teaching preschool.  I have a great group of kids, and amazing families to work with.  I can think of at least two things that I am thankful for about each child in my care right off the top of my head without even trying.  I get to be the one to put my baby down for a nap every day and play peek-a-boo with her until she giggles uncontrollably, not someone else.  

My circumstances haven't changed since mid-December.  My perspective has.  The Lord is really teaching me not to live in the "If ...then" lie.  No matter what situation I am in, I have two choices.  I can look to and fro, seeing someone else who "has it better" or something that will make me "happy", or I can be content.  Right here.  Right now.  It is a choice.  Not a set of circumstances that make it so.  So today, and in this season, I choose contentment.  I choose to see the details of my life that have been set in place so perfectly by my Creator that allow true joy and peace-the kind that come from knowing His ever-present love and grace; not the fleeting momentary happiness found in a desired set of circumstances or things.  Today my friend, throw off the "If...then" lie.  Live today.  Right where you are.  Right here.  Right now.  It's OK.  There are struggles, and every experience on this earth is flavored with a speck of brokenness, because our world is broken.  But know that He is with you.  And His love can make all things new, even in the same set of circumstances.  Yes, even your heart.